Clearing head: a story about migraines

Migraines don’t often interest people except those who suffer from them and the dear people who live with these unique survivors. They occasionally interest employers as one may be incapacitated for days at a time without the ability to sit in normal daylight or look at screens, and this can cause disruption in general workflow.

My migraines seem simple compared to some. I don’t experience an aura, but I know myself well enough to know the symptoms: sudden sensitivity to light, loud noises, and movement. Wherever I am, I have to get to my bed as quickly as possible, prescription drugs in my system, a cold patch on my head. A fan can help in any season, and rubbing pressure points on my feet has been known to alleviate some of the pain. Sometimes, the severe nausea makes me puke. I’ve quit trying to fight that in recent years as it often helps, despite the occasional embarrassment it can cause.

I’ve tried everything from neurologists to holistic healers, and some things work. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, and MSG. I do acupuncture and take herbal supplements from my Chinese medicine practitioner. I’m not as good at avoiding avocado, tomato, cheeses, and chocolate - in part because I’m a vegetarian, in part because these are some of my favorite foods - but I try not to consume triggering food and drink around the time I start my period. I have not tried Botox.

My menstrual cycle seems to be the main confounder in my diagnosis. I’ve had migraines since I was about eight years old. I’ve also been on The Pill - always low dose, less estrogen drop than most - since I was about thirteen (a year or so after I started my period). While I believe the early onset of my headaches was due to immense childhood stress combined with a genetic disposition (my paternal grandfather suffered from migraines his whole life), knowing that women have more migraines than men and many can be linked with one’s cycle, it’s hard to know what effect taking hormonal birth control since puberty has had on my symptoms.

When I was little, no one believed that I got the headaches about which I complained. Because stress has been and will always be a huge trigger for me, as an introverted child (more so than anyone, including me, realized), outings would often make me ill, as would awkward family functions - often including my father’s hostile wife. I was often accused of faking my very real pain to avoid required social situations, which compounded my misery and often increased the severity of my sickness.

Being sick with no allies becomes a very core part of an illness, and as a result, now in adulthood, migraines can be a lonely time for me. Even though I have a strong immediate support system, I feel guilty asking my loved ones to take care of me. In my case, this can be anything from needing a glass of water, more pills, or a refilled humidifier to requiring a sterile environment which promotes healing: no light, no noise, on the colder side of comfortable room temperature. I do wake my partner sometimes, but I’ve also been known to sleep on the couch or putter around alone until I’m discovered. When you can barely speak, let alone sit in lighted rooms or listen to music and voices, it takes a long time to invite someone into that isolation. Just because you feel like shit doesn’t mean you can just sleep it off and hold hands through the process.

Because I’m now without health insurance and my prescription medication of choice, Imitrex, costs $275 for nine tablets, I remain on the homeopathic and holistic bandwagons. While I’ve been doing acupuncture and herbal therapy for months, I now also take homeopathic headache remedies in addition to my regime of cold forehead patches and HeadOn. And the prescription drugs that cost me more than a week’s paycheck? Available over the counter in the UK and for much cheaper in every other country. Thanks, US patent office.

The thing that no one ever seems to talk about it the post-migraine high, the intense euphoria that settles into your system for up to a day after the major headache symptoms have disappeared. Maybe I’m just prone to larger mood and energy swings than the average migraine recipient, but after I’m finally able to sit up again, walk around, eat and drink normally; I feel an amazing, inexplicable high. I don’t do anything irrational because I’m afraid of causing a rebound headache, but I sit around feeling extra cozy and warm in my own health again. And that seems fair to me.