Clearing house

People think I use a pseudonym, but my name is that of my grandfather, and I will keep it always because I am the last of us. Sometimes I miss him so much I think my heart is going to fall out of my chest. I cry like it was yesterday, and I don’t think that will ever change, nor do I suppose it should.

I watched someone die a few weeks ago. I haven’t told many people because I don’t like talking about death. In my experience, I handle it differently than most - I see it as a part of life, part of the cycle, and I have no desire to own the death of others as my tragedy. I’d rather reflect on a lack of fear. It is my honest reverence and, I feel, a respectful way to move forward. I miss my friend but many miss her more than I, and I know she did not suffer. I was there.

I have a lot of strength from love right now. I don’t have a lot to say publicly - I reject the celebrity witness - but I have a newfound sense of peace that only comes from commitment and solidarity that is found rarely in a lifetime. We wrote something together. I’m pretty into that.

Sometimes you make things only to remember. When hundreds of people watch, fewer read, and scarcely any comment in requisite forums, I still have myself and whoever else was present when the moment was lived.

I recently relocated but have had trouble unpacking. Until tonight, I couldn’t find the cord to move my media from my camera to my computer. Everything I’d seen this week was trapped in digital limbo.

I do not nearly wet myself when I hear rumblings of a Joy Division reunion. I really love animal rehabilitation parks, preserves, and centers. I have a sick addiction to decaf iced coffee with too much cream, and my life wasn’t nearly as good pre-acupuncture. I write to catalog, stabilize my identity, and remind you I care. I will never use the phrase “pay it forward”.

I am grateful when people stick around, when we are more than tolerated. Sometimes you are just open, ready for new. I’m a grouchy single woman by nature, & I used to say there is no team in winner, but a sea change has pushed me through a smog before, and this time, I can breathe better than ever.